Whilst I was revising for my psychology degree, I did a lot of reflecting as some of the course work made me think about my past. The last course in particular was about critical social psychology, and this opened many doors to how I looked at things and placed them in perspective. The theories and methods were different to the cognitive perspectives and were not so black and white. This doesn’t mean to say I think less of the cognitive perspectives it just means I had added dimensions that gave me broader perspectives and opened my mind up that little bit more.
The new perspectives throw more light and emphasis on the social context and what was happening in that social context at the time of the situation I was involved in. The cognitive approach to me had always been about me thinking how I was affected, and besides this took into account my individuality including my biological make up. Now as I was working through this course it made me realise that the social issues had also played a huge part in my past, and had influenced the situation a great deal.
One of the events in my book was when I was at rock bottom as many bad things were happening to me, the person who had said that they could help, did the opposite. I had overdosed something to this day I am still coming to terms with. This person when I rang for help instead of calling for an ambulance, told me I hadn’t taken enough and persuaded me to take more then the lethal amount. I was foolish but had turned to this person in desperation and without thinking rationally, did what she told me to do.
It was by chance and circumstance that I survived against the odds.
This episode still haunts me to day as I still question how anybody in this world can do that sort of thing and play with someones life. This wasn’t the only person who wished me harm. I always blamed my self to what had happened to me.My self esteem was rock bottom as when you look at the whole scenario there were a few people who wanted me dead. This is not a nice thing to live with. I also have post traumatic stress disorder because there were many more incidents that were traumatic. Whilst the cognitive therapy was helping me to look at myself and improve the way I think, I realised through this course that whilst I was concentrating on me getting better I hadn’t really given that much thought to the people who did this.
When I think of the first person who persuaded me to overdose who had told me she would help me in earlier stages, I can see her reason to want to do this but for the life of me cannot justify her action, and I also realise that this was not to do with me as a person, this would or could have happened to the next person who had fallen prey to her husband. This incident wasn’t about me deserving to die, this was about an evil person who had so much bitterness to do with her own life that she took it out on a vulnerable person. This then sends the balance and outlook a completely different way, this was not about me being as bad as I thought, and me having to work hard at myself to pull myself up to better levels, this was about me understanding why this had happened and to make progress in a different way.
This is just one example of why healing takes time, experience and reflection are valuable assets, and my psychology work has given me better tools to help understand myself and others. I am hoping that my experience will also shed some light to others and for them not to blame themselves but to look at the picture as a whole with a broader outlet. This is also not about dwelling on the past, life is too short for that but it can demonstrate that insight can also be powerful and you can use it positively or negatively, in my case I feel proud that I pulled myself through this and actually feel empowered as it has also boosted my inner strength to conquer my past and not let people who are not worth it influence my future with any negativie influence.